Steps of Trust
Coming into my senior year of college, I wasn’t sure what the future held or what my “post grad” plans really looked like. The anticipation of what comes next was creeping up on me and I wasn’t sure what life after graduation would bring. It was the big scary question everyone was asking at the time. I knew people who had done the Fellows program and loved it so I figured I’d give it a shot, apply, and then see what comes of it. I remember during that time feeling so full of anticipation and nervousness for what could come and what would happen after graduation.
During that time I remember reading Matthew 14, the story of Jesus walking on water, and feeling just like Peter. I knew the Lord was calling me to walk in his ways, to follow where he called me, but I was scared of what was to come. All too fast I looked down at my feet and what I could do on my own and began to sink. But I know that when I step out of my own ways and comforts, follow the Lord, and fix my eyes on him, my steps become stable and my desires begin to remain in him. So I stepped out in trust, very timidly, and found myself in Chattanooga, part of the Fellows program, living and working as a Fellow, and meeting all of the sweet people of Chattanooga that have been so kind and generous towards me.
Once getting to Chattanooga, I hit the ground running with a packed out schedule, from opening retreat, to starting classes and work, to building intentional, Jesus-rooted community. It has been a sweet, exciting whirlwind that has been so amazing, but has also been exhausting for my introverted self. Again, I find myself wanting to take control and do it all, but Jesus calls me to fix my eyes on him, just like Peter. My flesh wants to run, wants to do its own thing of independence, but that is not what the Lord calls us to. He calls us to have complete and utter dependence on Him.
In our Old Testament class, we have seen this same pattern of disobedience happen with the Israelites and God. God has brought them out of slavery in Egypt and they are being delivered to the Promised Land, yet they still complain and want what they had back in Egypt. Why do they want to go back to Egypt? Because they want a life that is predictable and familiar. In my notes from class, it was said that the Israelites “desired predictability and provision of their life over utter dependence on the Lord”. How often am I the same as the Israelites? Wanting familiarity and safety instead of trusting what the Lord has for me.
Yet, the Lord still loves the Israelites, even as they complain and disobey him. And he wants a relationship with them, just as he wants a relationship with me. So he continues to love them and lead them, offering his sweet grace and unfailing love. This is what he has done for me, too. Through the people I have met in the past month – my sweet fellow classmates, my amazing work placement, and the most wonderful host family – I have been able to know God’s pursuit of me and his divine love. The Fellows program has been a community that has pointed me toward and shown me so much of the character of the Lord and what it looks like to follow God in every circumstance. It has challenged me and grown me even in this short month and I can’t wait to see what’s to come in the next 6 months.