Learning to Surrender
Describing what this Fellows year has been like feels like an insurmountable task. Even narrowing it down to a theme or two feels overwhelming. As it was often described before the start of the program, the past five months have truly felt like drinking from a fire hose—full of water that’s refreshing and life-sustaining, yet overwhelming and hard to swallow.
I came into this year both apprehensive and excited. I was excited about moving to a new part of the country, making new friends, gaining new experiences, and embracing new learning opportunities. But I was also apprehensive of what felt like starting from scratch, all at one time - moving into someone else's home, joining a new church, starting a job, managing a course load, and cultivating community. As it turns out, that's not as easy as I thought it might be.
I also had the expectation that this year would be a steady trajectory of self-improvement. I envisioned spending these nine months working diligently to improve my relationship with the Lord, developing professionally, growing my network, becoming a better friend, and deepening my spiritual disciplines—all while figuring out my next steps in life. But, as it turns out, those expectations were amiss as well. In reality, much of this year has been learning to take a deep breath, ask for grace, and pivot through challenges.
While so much of the Fellows program has been good, it certainly hasn’t been easy. And while I can look back and see evident growth since September, it hasn’t been linear, and it certainly hasn’t been the result of my striving. Despite the ways this year has been different than I expected, God has been working through it all.
In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis tells the story of a boy who turns into a dragon because of his self-centeredness. He desperately wants to turn back into a boy, but doesn’t know how. Aslan, the lion, tells him he must “undress,” so the boy tries to peel off his own scales. He struggles hard, but his efforts are in vain. He’s still a dragon. Then, Aslan clarifies that it is he who must remove the scales of the boy. Though the process is painful, Aslan claws off the scales, and the boy is finally transformed back into his human form.
Similar to the boy in this story, I have spent much of this year learning how to be still and let God take control. I’ve been learning to release my disillusioned desires, my presumptions about God’s plan for me, and my tendency to strive. Through it all, God has gently been teaching me to surrender in order to receive His grace and guidance.